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Just Married

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right. We will learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.
This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we would learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in free-style, breast stroke, even the butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River."

Dear John

A Marine stationed in Fallujah recently received a Dear John letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.


The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,

Dear Ma and Pa

Dear Pa & Ma:

Am well, Hope you are to. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee.

Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move.

And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get onto this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,




A new soldier was posted guard at the gate to the American Base in Iraq. His orders were clear: All vehicles had to stop to show ID unless it had a special placard on the dashboard inside the windshield.

A black SUV came up with a general seated in the back.  The car did not immediately stop, intending to drive through the gate area.

The sentry yelled at the drive to stop, almost getting run over as he jumped in front of the car.

The driver, a corporal, said, "I've got General Wheeler in the back."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. Since you don't have a sign on your dashboard, I have to see some ID."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without showing ID."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"


Escaped Prisoner

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a oman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."



Borrow money from pessimists - they do not expect it back.


Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bill  and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, ""Someone should go and tell his wife.""

Bill says, ""OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.""  Two hours later, he comes back carrying a six pack of Fosters.

Charlie says, ""Where did you get that, Bill?""

""Steve's wife gave it to me.""

""That is unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?""

Bill says, ""Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ""You must be Steve's widow.""

She said, ""No, I am not a widow.""

And I said, ""bet you a six pack you are.""

Rare Photos

"I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child." -Steven Wright

Little Johny and Candy Bars

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"


Wrong Answer

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you did not see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he did not see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



A father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. On the way out to the first tee they are joking, boasting, and cussing. This is very much the men's day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, a fine looking woman carrying her clubs approaches them. She explains that her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. Naturally, the guys all agree.

Soon afterwards, the son starts grumbling because now he can't cuss in her presence. The lady then turns to the three of them and says, "Listen, boys, I don't care what the three of you do or say out here. Go ahead, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don't try to coach me on my game."

She then proceeds to tee off.

All eyes are on her butt she bends over to place the ball on the tee. She then knocks the hell out of the ball, right up the middle of the fairway. She continues to amaze the three guys, shooting for at least par on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "I want to thank you guys for not trying to coach my games. But, I have never shot par before and I want your opinions on this putt. If any of your opinions help me make par, then I'll give each of you a night of hot sex that you'll never forget."

The son jumps at the thought. He strolls onto the green, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go into the cup."

Then, the father says, "Don't listen to the youngster. Aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole, and fall into the cup."

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust. He walks over to her ball on the green, picks it up, and says, "To hell with the putt, that's a Gimme."



One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I’m in hell!"

"Hell’s not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You’re already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that’s awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you’re dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don’t mean . ."

"That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"


"Ooooh, you’re gonna hate Fridays."


Big Dick Contest

A man is sitting at home with his wife. He says to her, "You know, I was thinking of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest."

"Oh honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that out in public!"

"But sweet thing," he says, "the prize is $100!"

"I don't care", she says "I don't want you showing that thing to everybody."

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.

"Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told you not to?" she asks.

"Please forgive me, sweetheart." he says.

"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

The man looks at her fondly and says, "Only enough to win."



The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Gay Cremation

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


A young Black man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You''ll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The Black man said, "You''re bullshitting me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!"



An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you just jack off? I really feel like shit, today."

Bad News

A man and his wife were enjoying a leisurely day at the beach near Cape Canaveral. As they were swimming in the surf a shark suddenly appeared out of nowhere, grabbed the wife and took her under. The husband scrambled to shore and called the lifeguards but there was no trace of his wife.

The following day the husband answered the motel door and was greeted by two grim-faced policemen.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you
want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body about 2 miles offshore."
"Oh my god! said Mr. Smith, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a half dozen good size stone crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" he asked.
And the cop replied: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"


Tongue Twisted

A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.
"Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"
"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out "I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh" and so she sucker-punched me!"
The man continues, "What's your story?"
The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties," but I accidentally said, "You ruined my life you stupid bitch."


Black Panties

Gail lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit; looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She's Standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my condolences."


Potential vs. Reality

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks for help from his father. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His dad looks up, thoughtfully, and say, "I'll show you." Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then tell me what you have learned,"
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He goes to his mother and says "Mom would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" His mom looks around slyly and says with a smile, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would,"
Then he goes into his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks at him and says, "Omigod, definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad. I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with a couple of whores."

Last Words

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father,

I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask,

Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"


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